Moving past the past

There are a lot of times during my days when some memory of some interaction or person I felt I was wronged by comes bubbling back up in my mind. It usually isn't something very important. These little memories often times take up more of my energy than they are honestly worth. I have recently come up with a little phrase, sort of a mantra, that I tell myself during those little moments.

"Out of my life, out of my mind"

It isn't a novel concept, I am pretty sure this is just a crystallization of something I was told by my therapist years ago. What I find that is the most important about this little phrase is how it isn't confrontational with myself. It is not saying that I am stupid or weak for thinking about these moments that really don't serve any purpose in my life than being a lesson and to make me feel bad. It is just sort of passively stating the truth of the matter. If I have taken the time to not interact with them physically then why am I doing that mentally or emotionally? It seems simple enough of a concept but I am sure there are people out there that have invested their energy into people that were just not worth it. I know many of the people in my past either used me or at the very least did not help me grow. Some of those people I resent and some I have just let sort of fade out of my mind, it is my way of getting my control back.

It is that control that is so important. There is this line in the song "Stubborn Love" by The Lumineers that says "The opposite of love is indifference" and it is something that I embraced. Hate takes too much energy to maintain for me and it takes away my control on a scenario. Having these angry emotions often times feel too easily controlled by others or even reversed on to myself. Does it sometimes feel cold and hard to relate to people about their own struggles with their past at times? Entirely. I know it is not the coping method that is sort of put on display across the media we take in, social or otherwise, it just sort of works for me. I just remember talking to one of my friends and she asked me something about my ex and I entirely forgot their name, the name of my ex not the friend. My friend joked about me weaponizing my adhd but that is almost exactly what I was doing. I was willing myself to drop all feelings to them and what happened and just move on. I still remember various events that happened but to linger on them at all just ends up hurting. I don't let myself take trips down those memory lanes very often.

I don't want this to come across as me taking some higher ground position than other people. All of this is motivated by the same energy of someone throwing all of their ex's stuff out of a window. This all might be predicated upon me feeling like my emotions are too easily controlled or to be misguided, I don't really know. I just know that there are names in my mind that have voids behind them. Willful lapses of memory with the lessons removed from their context. It is sort of a strange scornful zen that is maintained. It is just my way of getting closure without the need of those who have wronged me to dictate the terms of that or to let them into my life again in any manner. Why would I need their apology when their words mean nothing to me?

I am just thinking about the little phrase I started out with. I often say it the most as I am preparing to shower or brushing my teeth. Something about the mirror begets self-reflection. Maybe it is seeing myself so I have some proof of being physically present rather than being a ball of senses with limbs attached (that is a whole other issue entirely, yes I have thought about writing about it). It always feels like someone else is saying it even though I know it is myself. At times it feels like I am talking to my younger self, the one whose emotions and mistakes I am going through when those memories come back. That younger me is the one person in that scenario that I don't want to leave behind. So, I guess it is about allowing the person you were in that moment to find some relief by not having to deal with those emotions so many years afterwards. God, this sounds so metaphysical and high minded but it is sort of my way of contextualizing all of this process. I blame university and indie video games for that.

I am just going to finish this off with another little mantra I go to that is a lot less poetic than the other one but I feel is just as helpful. When I get caught up in trying to fight the past, thinking about what I should have said, considering all of the signs I should have seen I sometimes just ask myself "Who are you arguing with?". It is the truth, none of the people that have created these emotions are present. It is just you, the mirror, and yourself. You can't beat back the shadows by swinging at it. It is all just a pointless expenditure of energy (way to sound as alien as possible Richard...). All that can be done is realize that you are where you are at that moment, breathe, and let yourself make the mistakes that allowed you to be who you are. It is harder for different people, I don't know your struggles, but I do hope that you come out the other side stronger.

So, I hope this was helpful for someone. I think it was helpful for me at the very least.